If Grocery Stores Were High School Students

Like all posts on Aldi Reviewer, this piece is the opinion of its respective authors.

The grocery business, like every industry, is a competition. It’s a competition between companies, some of them quite large, vying for shoppers’ precious grocery dollars. Each grocer has its own personality and style — a vibe, if you will. When you walk into any one particular grocer, you know you’re in for something just a little different than other grocers.

In the spirit of those different personalities, we decided to consider what grocers would look like if they were … high school students. These are, of course, meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

Walmart

Walmart is the big man on campus, the larger-than-life quarterback of the football team who knows just how important he is. Walmart struts into every class in his letterman’s jacket, smiling simply from the attention. Off the field, he’s never in a hurry, though, and his teachers get tired of waiting on him. Sure, he only has a 2.0 GPA, but on Friday nights he’s everybody’s champion.

Aldi

Aldi is all business, an overachiever with a 4.2 GPA who is so smart it’s scary. She’s serious about school — or maybe conquering the world, you can’t tell. In class, she rarely smiles, and while some of her ideas seem crazy on the outside, her execution is so on point her teachers (who are frankly afraid of her) can’t help but give her good grades.

Trader Joe’s

Trader Joe’s is smart, stylish, and popular. He shows up to AP Literature and Composition with a cardigan and a latte, and he has this strange way of making everyone feel comfortable around him. He’s also the lead in every stage production, a soaring tenor with a crooner’s voice, and a favorite of every teacher, especially in the way he basically organizes class discussions. In his spare time, he’s Student Council president.

Save-a-Lot

Save-a-Lot is the devious boy who secretly runs a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos side hustle out of his backpack. They’re name brand, though, which makes him more popular than he should be. His teachers aren’t sure what to do with him, and while he seems like a nice enough kid, they’re not sure they trust him.

Kroger

Kroger? She’s cool. She’s unpretentious, nice, funny sometimes, and always reliable. She doesn’t stand out enough to win any awards, but you won’t find a more dependable and supportive biology lab partner. She drives a nondescript sedan that is easy to miss in a parking lot, and after school she can be found playing the flute in the pep band.

Lidl

The school isn’t quite sure what to do with Lidl. He’s talented and smart, but he’s also absent a lot. He also seems to get in trouble, which doesn’t do him any favors in the eyes of the faculty. Aldi is certain that Lidl stole her homework.