EDITOR’S NOTE: The opinions expressed in this post shouldn’t be taken seriously. This post is not endorsed by Aldi, Trader Joe’s, or anyone else, really.
It’s Election Day in the United States. The bad news is that political fever is running high everywhere, including on social media. The good news is that, tomorrow, all the political ads should vanish. (I can’t guarantee the political fever will end tomorrow, though.)
Today, meanwhile, voters have a choice. I’m not here to break down all the options. I’m only here to tell you why, in this moment of partisan division, there is another choice. A choice that has been in front of you all this time.
Aldi and Trader Joe’s are exactly the kind of leadership America needs. Here’s why.
Five Reasons Aldi Should be President
Reason #1: Government That’s Almost Too Fast. Let’s be honest — most people hate dealing with the government. Just thinking about going to a federal office screams slow and inefficient, with mounds of paperwork. Not with Aldi. Under an Aldi administration, your government is going to process your Social Security application so fast you’ll probably go backwards in time. And Aldi will do it so cheaply America will never run a deficit ever again. In fact, America will be so in the black we’ll practically have our own national savings account.
Reason #2: Officials Who Know How to Do Everything. Politicians have a rap for sometimes not knowing what they’re doing. Well, Aldi is going to fix that. Not only are your top officials going to be so fast it gives you whiplash, but they’re going to make sure everyone is ready for anything? Need a Secretary of State who can step in to take care of counterintelligence? Need an Energy Secretary who also knows how to unclog a toilet? Aldi will insist — no, demand — that America has its most flexible government ever.
Reason #3: The Candidate To Make Americans Do Their Part. Are you one of those people who thinks Americans need to take more initiative? Well, you can bet your quarter Aldi will make sure you’re taking responsibility. The company that makes you return your cart and strongly recommends bringing your own bags will make sure that you ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country.
Reason #4: Better Wages. If you think people can’t make more money, you haven’t seen an Aldi employee. Aldi workers work hard, yes, but they also are paid well. An Aldi Administration knows how to show companies just how it’s done.
Reason #5: The Aisle of Shame. Are you embarrassed by the state of American politics? Well, Aldi is here to remove the shame, figuratively and literally. Aldi’s middle aisle is a love letter to just how Americans can move beyond the embarrassment and into a world of chainsaws, trumpets, and those cute little porcelain Christmas trees. Aldi love — I mean, #ALDILove — will be the words that unite us all.
Five Reasons Trader Joe’s Should be Vice President
Reason #1: A Candidate Who Cares About You. If you’ve ever unburdened your soul to one of Trader Joe’s kind cashiers, you know exactly why Vice President TJ’s is just the compassionate leader you need. No longer will your government not care about your plight. Now, the government will listen. It will understand. And it will empathize even while taking perfect care of your organic hummus.
Reason #2: The Fearless Flyer. So many Americans wish their leaders better communicated with their voters. TJ’s will make sure you get more information than you know what to do with. The Vice President will communicate in whimsical, artsy ways that will warm your soul and make you wish you could live inside your local Trader Joe’s. Once TJ’s is your VP, you’ll actually look forward to getting paperwork from your government.
Reason #3: A Candidate for All Americans. If you ever wish you had leaders who could embrace the diversity of these United States, Trader Joe’s understands. Regardless of your background, TJs has ethnic foods and items so exotic and different that there’s a good chance you’ve never seen them before. You may not always like everything Trader Joe’s sells, but you’ll never forget it.
Reason #4: An Independent Thinker. Technically, Trader Joe’s is owned by Aldi Nord, but you wouldn’t know it from the store. The store marches to its own drummer and isn’t afraid of being different. If you want a store that isn’t going to bend to the political winds, this Veep is what you need.
Reason #5: The Wine Section. No particular reason.